Missing Him Doesn’t Mean You Made the Wrong Choice
Love Isn’t Enough: Letting Go Without Regret
“So about a week ago I broke up with my boyfriend of a few months because he was very emotionally unavailable and there were several factors that didn’t align with my standards. He was so out of touch with my feelings and it felt like he hated me, but I know he didn’t. He gave me the most heartfelt sweet letter on valentines day but I didn’t want to wait for a holiday to be told I was loved. I counted - he complimented me just 2 times the entire time we were together. You can’t make it up! And he would completely shut me out after we would have sex. Now flash forward, I’m super lost because I catch myself non-stop thinking about him and missing him even though I broke things off & again, didn’t appreciate how he treated me. How do I move forward with this? I blocked him and have so many urges to break no contact. He was truly a great person; he just clearly didn’t know how to treat me.”
Hi Elsa,
First, I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this. Breakups can be extremely difficult. Second, I’m really glad you wrote to me, because I can’t help but feel like this is my area of expertise. I’ve also been in a relationship where it felt like there was regret or things left unsaid, where the person wasn’t completely awful, but also wasn’t giving me what I needed to actually thrive in a partnership.
From the examples you shared about his behavior, it really does sound like you made the right decision. You deserve someone who compliments you, uplifts you, and makes you feel valued on a consistent basis. You also deserve someone who doesn’t shut you out after sex. Intimacy is such a vulnerable experience, and it’s important that you’re with someone who gives you aftercare and makes you feel seen, not someone who leaves you feeling pushed away.
It’s completely normal to want to reach out or break no contact when it comes to someone you still care about. I’ve gone through phases myself where I broke no contact with an ex multiple times because I missed the comfort or attention. I think when someone hasn’t done something clearly hurtful, something you can point to and hold onto, it can actually be harder. It becomes easy to miss them or question whether you made the right decision.